Living is a choice I make. It is often an agonizing act of courage, tenacity and self-love. But, even though living is the hardest part, a softness returns to my belly when I can untangle being in survival mode.
Survival mode is a tight, dark space where the air feels like it’s withdrawing whisper by whisper. When I am in survival mode, a pinhole of light is all I can see. Though I want the light, it also hurts and overwhelms me.
Choosing better, I grasp at the light because I know if I give it just a tiny bit more space, it will illuminate my heart and shift my reality.
Declaring change
Letting in more light started in earnest with this entry in my journal in 2022:
“I am going to work on the idea of integrating my trauma more into my life. I know it has given me incredible wisdom. I also need to respect it and honour my story so that I do not purposefully try to prove myself by putting myself into situations which will only ignite a flame of doubt and sadness.”
Followed by creating my definition of success:
“Definition of Success: To be loved and to love. To fully accept myself and my life story. To live with compassion for both myself and for others. To share wisdom and glean wisdom. To care for others but not at the expense of myself. To hold space for the dark stuff and for my feelings and to support others to do the same. To not minimize myself or others.”
For me, everything starts with a foundation of clarity. Clarity means knowing what I want and not what I don’t. Knowing what I don’t want and saying no are easy, well-executed skills.
What I need more of is to understand what a firm yes is. Expansion, not contraction.
The paradox of a yes
But damn, why are yeses scary, shame-filled, guilt-ridden moments? It’s something I am working through in real time. Even saying yes to a moment of silence can be a hurdle to jump over.
I know I am not alone in this. My clients experience the same things. Normalizing the fear, the shame, and the guilt moves me towards the release of these hard emotions. More light can come in.
I am noticing that choosing to feel good can make me cry. The crying is new and sometimes ugly, but as my eyes leak and my nose runs, my soul lifts. It is a new sensation to take in. I am learning to be ok with this sensation.
Even though it’s more spacious inside me, it sure makes a mess of my face. I guess I need better mascara.
Letting the good have its place helps the pain say what ‘it’ needs to be seen, heard, valued, loved and healed. It’s like getting a long, beautiful hug from a favourite person.
I am also noticing that asking for someone to tend to my wounds is painful, but it’s also joyful and freeing. Paying attention, saying yes, and asking for help are ways to lovingly attend to the secrets inside me which have been holding me in a frozen position. Living like the ice princess has had its perks, but its no longer working.
Freedom time
My internal managers try to tell me support is weak and treasonous, but I remind those managers that tending to wounds and asking for help is a trusting, creative, and inspiring act.
It’s time to free my managers from the pressure of old survival tactics so they can enjoy a holiday on the beach!
Courage, letting in the good, and being with the pain are the skills needed to resource and regulate myself.
Resourcing is more than doing nice things for me regularly (although simple acts of self-care are critical for healing). Resourcing is about looking at what happened to me, what meaning I gave it then and the impact it has on me now.
After that, I can attend to what was missing in the past by providing for it now.
Resourcing shifts my embodied experience and reprograms my nervous system so I can live fully. Each day is a commitment to another yes, to the new, to letting in a little more light. My present and future are promising.
Survival mode, you can exit stage left.
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