Waking up with a migraine when there’s no reason to have one is the signal. The signal I have triggered something trauma related which has not been integrated. Something from my story which has a non-supportive narrative attached to it.
Many years have been spent rehashing the old traumas. Much of which I don’t even want to talk about because it sets me off. I feel uncomfortable, doubt myself, get anxious, panic and generally feel ill at ease. This is getting old and now that I am in my 50’s I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in the same pattern.
Recently, I have done a few new things to shift this pattern. One, I have taken a Somatic coaching certification. These are a few concepts which I have grabbed hold of:
I am wise, resourceful, creative and whole
The job is enjoyment
Do what feels good
Small simple pleasures are the path to healing
Two, I gleaned some new ideas from a recent book written by Sarah Polley: Run Towards the Danger: Confrontations with a Body of Memory. Between the course, the book, and a conversation I had with my husband (where he lovingly encouraged me to find the gold in my story) I have cultivated a plan.
Every time I have a dark memory or nightmare I am going to do the following:
Find all the ways in the story where I was resourceful, stood up for myself, made changes, or took care of myself. I can do this mentally, I can write things down, or I could recount it to someone. The important thing is to acknowledge and make it known in some way.
Do this while doing something which is pleasant- such as being at the beach, having a beautiful cup of tea in my favourite mug, writing in my journal, petting the cat, taking a walk in the woods. Any way or place which I know feels good or supports me.
I got to try out my new method just two days ago. I had been evoked the day before when sharing a story with my husband and a new friend. Then the nightmare came and then the migraine made itself present. A migraine is a shitty way to start a day.
Instead of running away or just rehashing the story and bad dream (or how it made me feel), I took some moments to capture the moments where I was resourceful, stood up for myself, made changes, or took care of myself.
It’s amazing how much I actually found- when previously all I had connected to that story was rejection, isolation, sadness, anger, shame. With the new method I could see from a new perspective and I had some actual confidence as a result of finally seeing my wiseness, creativity and courage!
This helped integrate the experience and as a bonus, the migraine disappeared. I also didn’t feel like I had done some major therapy session- so I was not drained by the process. Now all those discoveries have become resources which will serve me the next time I am faced with something dark. Which will probably be any moment since I have lots of times to choose from!
I think this is what Sarah Polley really means by running towards the danger. And it is also a piece of what Dr. Gabor Maté teaches in Compassionate Enquiry. As we recount the stories of pain, we simply need to look for the creativity and resourcefulness we exhibited. This will lead to new perspectives and an ability to let go of the old way our story has defined us.
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