I am fifty one. I have been healing since I was a child and I am tired. Even though we are designed to heal, discovering the methodology to getting to healing is sometimes like a house of mirrors.
Maybe where the problem lies is the expectations I have of how I should be healing. I have in my mind the appropriate time frame, the method that will work, what has worked before. Underneath all that is also an impatience and a slight, slowly simmering resentment and judgment towards ALL the people (myself included) and the circumstances that lead to my pain.
On the other hand… Most days are infinitely better than they have ever been. I have tools, resources, people, and perspectives which if I can hold a remembrance for and utilize- making the day not just doable but thrive-able and creative.
Today, I am wondering how to live my life to the fullest while also experiencing the difficulties.
Something that occurred to me yesterday is I have a habit of making things hard for myself. Sometimes setting rules for myself that although are designed to help in one way, often tip the scales towards more difficulty.
I hate it and love it when I see those kinds of truths. I hate it because it means shifting something and I love it because it means new options just became available to me. Usually those options are so much easier than what I have been doing.
Which brings up another expectation. That healing has to be hard. That we must push through and show our grittiness and endurance. What if grittiness and endurance are the wrong values to be basing healing on? What if there are easier, softer values that could get the same results?
In somatic methods, we touch on this idea a lot. The idea of doing less in a moment, the idea of letting the support in from the earth, from others, and from our environment. The idea that if we focused not on fixing what is wrong, but on strengthening what is good, available, and easier.
What might those softer values be? They are there for me - I can feel them, but sometimes I am unsure how to pin them down, name them and really live in them.
Recently, I have been doing a lot of work with my personal archetype which is one way I have found makes the process easier and a lot more fun. My archetype has a lightening rod. This lightening rod is a symbolic way to dis-identify with the hurts- present and past, I visualize sending the hurts to the lightening rod because a lightening rod can take enormous amounts of potentially destructive energy and disburse it to the earth as harmless.
This is especially useful when I know what particular ‘hurts’ will trigger me and send me into a spiral. Everyone has particular triggers that we interpret in very particular ways. What if that interpretation was turned on its head?
I guess, then, one of the key values of the ‘easier’ is to dis-identify. Could I try that today?
We call dis-identifying ‘it’ in the embodied world. ‘It’ hurts instead of ‘I am’ hurt. Why? ’It’ gives space for other things to be present too- rather than the all encompassing ‘I am’ what is hurting me or wrong in my life. What if the 'I am’ identified instead with what is strong, wise, resourceful and whole in me?
It hurts and it is also ok in so many other aspects in this moment.
It hurts and I am wise resourceful and whole. I know this is here and I also know that it doesn’t last forever. It is a passing wave. It may have a message for me. That message may be ‘its ok to take care of myself’.
This pain is only a small percentage of what is true right now. It is also true that there is peace and health in most areas of my life right now
All of this takes practice and reminders to myself to slow down, notice what my automatic response to pain is and then change the narrative. The narrative only needs to be shifted from ‘I am’ to ‘it’
And I am pretty sure I can do that. I am pretty sure you can as well.
Until the next time…
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